Tips on Effective Listening
“We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard
as talking.”
Brief Theory of Communication
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and effectively is
only half of the communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness.
The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us.
When a person decides to communicate with another person, he/she does so to
fulfill a need. The person wants something, feels discomfort, and/or has
feelings or thoughts about something. In deciding to communicate, the person
selects the method or code which he/she believes will effectively deliver the
message to the other person. The code used to send the message can be either
verbal or nonverbal. When the other person receives the coded message, they go
through the process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and
meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when the receiver
interprets and understands the sender’s message in the same way the sender
intended it.
Sources of Difficulty by the Speaker Voice volume too low to be heard.
Making the message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details
or too many issues.
Getting lost, forgetting your point or the purpose of the interaction.
Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering with the verbal
message, such as smiling when anger or hurt is being expressed.
Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the message, or how
the person might react.
Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering the message.
Sources of Difficulty by the Listener Being preoccupied and not listening.
Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen mainly to find an
opening to get the floor.
Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the speaker is saying.
Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the message.
Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not understand.
The Three Basic Listening Modes
Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in
promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone
else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or
weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently
waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our
devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
In Passive or Attentive Listening we are genuinely interested in hearing and
understanding the other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively
listen. We assume that we heard and understand correctly. but stay passive and
do not verify it.
Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening
skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding
what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means,
and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our
own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and
reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback
process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
Levels of Communication
Listening effectively is difficult because people vary in their communication
skills and in how clearly they express themselves, and often have different
needs, wants and purposes for interacting. The different types of interaction or
levels of communication also adds to the difficulty. The four different types or
levels are.
Clichés.
Facts.
Thoughts and beliefs.
Feelings and emotions.
As a listener we attend to the level that we think is most important. Failing to
recognize the level most relevant and important to the speaker can lead to a
kind of crossed wires where the two people are not on the same wavelength. The
purpose of the contact and the nature of our relationship with the person will
usually determine what level or levels are appropriate and important for the
particular interaction. Note the different requirements in the following
situations: You’re lost, and you ask a stranger for directions.
Your child comes to you crying.
You are in trouble and someone offers to help.
Your spouse is being affectionate and playful.
Opposing council is cross-examining you in court.
If we don’t address the appropriate elements we will not be very effective, and
can actually make the situation worse. For example: If your wife is telling you
about her hurt feelings and you focus on the facts of the situation and don’t
acknowledge her feelings, she will likely become even more upset.
There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really
listening for the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the
person is thinking and/or feeling from the other person’s own perspective. It is
as if we were standing in the other person’s shoes, seeing through his/her eyes
and listening through the person’s ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and
we may not necessarily agree with the person, but as we listen, we understand
from the other’s perspective. To listen effectively, we must be actively
involved in the communication process, and not just listening passively.
We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and too often there is
a misunderstanding that neither of us is aware of. With active listening, if a
misunderstanding has occurred, it will be known immediately, and the
communication can be clarified before any further misunderstanding occurs.
Several other possible benefits occur with active listening: Sometimes a person
just needs to be heard and acknowledged before the person is willing to consider
an alternative or soften his /her position.
It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the other’s position
when that person knows the other is listening and considering his/her position.
It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear it played
back without criticism.
It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are put
in perspective and are diminished rather than magnified.
Reflecting back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to become
aware of the different levels that are going on below the surface. This helps to
bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
If we accurately understand the other person’s view, we can be more effective in
helping the person see the flaws in his/her position.
If we listen so we can accurately understand the other’s view, we can also be
more effective in discovering the flaws in our own position.
Listening Tips Usually it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in
verbalizing your understanding of the message. Parroting back the words verbatim
is annoying and does not ensure accurate understanding of the message.
Depending on the purpose of the interaction and your understanding of what is
relevant, you could reflect back the other persons:
Account of the facts.
Thoughts and beliefs.
Feelings and emotions.
Wants, needs or motivation.
Hopes and expectations.
Don’t respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent
beyond the words. The dictionary or surface meaning of the words or code used by
the sender is not the message.
Inhibit your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in the
form of a question. Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to
express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
Know when to quit using active listening. Once you accurately understand the
sender’s message, it may be appropriate to respond with your own message. Don’t
use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own position.
If you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the person you
don’t understand and ask him/her to say it another way, or use your best guess.
If you are incorrect, the person will realize it and will likely attempt to
correct your misunderstanding.
Active listening is a very effective first response when the other person is
angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings toward you, especially in
relationships that are important to you.
Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your watch or at
other people or activities around the room. Face and lean toward the speaker and
nod your head, as it is appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms and
appearing closed or critical.
Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of the person
and their feelings and beliefs without invalidating or giving up your own
position, or without agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.
Become a more effective listener. Practice the active listening technique and
make it one of your communication skills.
http://www.drnadig.com/listening.htm