ENGLISH JOKES

ENGLISH JOKES

I PART

A Talking Frog

An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week.” He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!” The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. “Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!” Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, “At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog!”

The Last Ticket

During a busy holiday weekend, a woman who was eight months pregnant went to the railway station to return home to her husband. At the reservation counter, when her turn came, there was only one ticket left. Taking pity on a very old lady behind her in line, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which arrived with a small error: “Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady.”

A Business Loan

A businessman walked into a bank in San Francisco and asked for the loan officer. He told the officer that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer explained that the bank needed some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out, and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drove the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 with interest, which came to $ 15.41. The loan officer said, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The businessman replied, “Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only 15 bucks?”

A Big Decision

A six-year -old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, ‘Daddy, I’d like to get married.’ His father replied hesitantly, ‘Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?’

‘Yes,’ answered the boy. ‘I want to marry Grandma.’

‘Now, wait a minute,’ said his father. ‘You don’t think I’d let you get married with my mother, do you?’ ‘Why not?’ the boy asked. ‘You married mine.’

100 Penguins

A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins’ driver explained that he was taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck! “I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo,” shouted the first driver. The second replied, “I did, but I had some money left, so we’re going to the cinema now.”

Supermarket Encounter

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady

following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said. “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

Do you deserve to enter heaven?

A man died and went to heaven. An angel met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, ‘Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you – we’ve examined your whole life, and you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not sure whether we can admit you into heaven or not. Can you tell us anything exceptional you did that can help us make a decision?’ The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, ‘Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him that he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!’ ‘I’m impressed,’ The angel responded, ‘When did this happen?’ The man replied, ‘About two minutes ago’.

Return my horse!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I did in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I did in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

Chemistry Class

One day, the chemistry teacher asked his students, “What is the chemical formula for water?” Silly Suzie immediately raised her hand. “Yes, Suzie, what’s the answer?”, the teacher asked. Suzie answered proudly, “The chemical formula for water is ‘HIJKLMNO’!” Her teacher looked perplexed. He asked, “What are you talking about?” Suzie replied, “Yesterday you said the formula for water is H to O!”

Improve Your Memory!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me.” “That’s great! What was the name of that clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” Then he turned to his wife and asked, “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”

Just One Copy

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder. “I just need one copy.”

Heavenly Golf

Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded man were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised his club and the water parted, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto the fairway. Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it up onto the green. The older man then teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to a nearby highway. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house, then landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, ” I hate playing with your dad.”

The Butcher and the Lawyer

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: “$45 due for consultation”.

Gray Hairs

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Mom, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Three Rooms in Hell

A man dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says “There are three rooms here. You can choose which one you want to spend eternity in”. The Devil takes him to the first room where there are people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony. The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains. The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees many people sitting around, up to their waists in garbage, drinking cups of tea. The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying “Ok, guys, tea break’s over, back on your heads!”

A Science Lecture

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his chauffeur offered an idea. “Hey, boss, I’ve heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.” “Sounds great,” the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur’s hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions. “Yes,” said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question. The chauffeur was panic stricken for a moment but quickly recovered. “That’s an easy one,” he replied. “In fact, it’s so easy, I’m going to let my chauffeur answer it!”

Five Englishmen

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called”Tickets, please!” and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The

Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots’ ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen’s stall and called “Ticket, Please!” When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

Nationalities…

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!”

*

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’

And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

*

Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Eric?” Jim asked. “Well didn’t you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Eric. “Ah, praise God!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes’ wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. “What d’ya want me to do, Doctor?” “Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!” the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.

“Mike, you’re the proud father of a fine strapping boy.” “Saints be praised, I…” Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, “Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike.” Soon the doctor delivers the next child. “You’ve a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter.”

“Thanks be to…”

Again the Doctor cuts in, “Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!” Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike’s inspection.

“Doctor,” asks Mike, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attracting them?”

*

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll give £150!”

*

A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress “Waitress,” he said, “there’s dirt in my coffee!”. “That’s not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, “It was ground only half an hour ago.”

*

Flying in the plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, “No way, ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The years went past, and Bob figured he didn’t have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it’s free to watch, let’s at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take you up flying, and if you don’t say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could –heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back to the airport.

“I’m surprised, why didn’t you say anything?”

“Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

*

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,

The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian,

The bankers are Swiss. In Hell:

The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss,

The bankers are Italian.

II PART

APPARENTLY ACTUAL ANSWERS BY BRITISH STUDENTS

*

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).

A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains thebrain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What does *varicose- mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word *judicious- in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word *benign- mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears.

*

III PART

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any lower..

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much beer you’ve consumed

Q: Which direction should I drive – Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth – to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)

A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, so you’ll need to have started about a year ago to get there in time for this October…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: And accomplish what?

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

A: I’m not touching this one…

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us…

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No. Everybody stinks.

Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)

A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples’ garages, and most national parks…

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde…

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Yes. At Christmas.

Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)

A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but we’ll see what we can do when you get here.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: What’s this guy smoking, and where do I get some?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: Another blonde?

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: I love this one…there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face North and you should be about right.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

Q Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy)

A: Yes. Outdoors.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

idealist

very enthusiastic language learner

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